I have always been the type of person who loves to help others. I will jump at the chance to assist someone in need. Just always want to help those around me... especially my friends.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a friend who was not feeling well, and I wanted to nothing more than help. The problem was, I didn't know what to do, or how to make this person feel better. I was stuck. I was out with some YSA when I found out the missionaries were going to visit this person. I immediately volunteered to go with them to the lesson.
I felt bad leaving the group of people I was with, but it was something I had to of. This is what I told the person who organized the event, who also happens to be my visiting reaching companion. She later texted me back saying "Elizabeth to the Rescue" she also said we were comps for a reason, because I love the rescue as well. This is 100% true. I love it so much; I love feeling like I have done some good.
The next day, mu anxiety took hold again and I ended up telling a friend that I felt like I was getting too emotionally attached. I felt like I was putting in more effort than I was getting, and I really didn't like that feeling. I received a reply saying that I was their fried and they appreciate the friendship.
Appreciate. That word really got to me. Appreciate. they appreciate the friendship, but that's it. That's when I realized, that's all I ever am, is appreciated. People are happy when I do things for them, but when it comes to showing love and gratitude, they are not able to show the same level that I am to them. This really made me think. I am always available to help others, but who is there to rescue me?
I love my friends dearly, and I do believe that they would do things for me, but of course there are moments when I have my doubts. I really do feel that in most cases, they would feel as though they are simply returning a favour and not actually helping me out of love. I sadly know that no one I know would drop what they are doing to assist me.
While this is something that I am slowly coming to terms with, it still hurts a little. I'm not perfect, and I have a lot going on in my life. There are times when all I want is a hug, but there is no one around. My anxiety causes me to feel that I am annoying to others and burdening them with my problems, so I tend to just keep them to myself, but that doesn't mean I don't have them. I want to know that there is someone who won't ignore me when I am trying to figure something out or am going through a difficult time.
It's funny, because until I was writing this, I really did feel alone. I felt like there was no on there. but then I remembered. It's people. People are not there for me. there is someone who is there for me, but he is more than just people; he is my Lord and my Saviour. I am so often overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness that I will forget that he is there to pick me up when I fall. He has already made so many sacrifices for me, and is still willing to make more. It makes me feel so food to know that there is someone on my side, but also a little guilty that I don't do enough for him.
I love the lord so much, and I am grateful to know of all the sacrifices that he has made for me and just how much it is that he loves me. I am grateful for the gospel in my life, because without it, I really don't know where I would be.
I still love the rescue, and I don't plan on stopping. But now I am able to feel more accomplished, and more loved that ever before.